Simple Ass Red Beans and Rice

1lb dried red beans
1½ tbsp bacon grease or extra virgin olive oil
1 small to medium onion
1 medium green bell pepper
2 stalks of celery
3 cloves of garlic
2 tsp dried sage
2 tsp dried thyme
½ tsp paprika (smoked paprika or Hungarian if it’s in the pantry)
½ tsp cayenne pepper
1 tsp seasoned salt
1 tsp salt
1 tsp ground black pepper
4 cups water (chicken or turkey stock if available)
1 bay leaf
1 tsp hot cause or ½ tsp tabasco

  1. Rehydrate the dried beans. If soaking overnight, I prefer to do so in the fridge.
  2. No, I will not give you instructions on rehydrating beans.
  3. Chop onion, green bell pepper, and celery until very fine (like me). This should yield about 3 cups (of me).
  4. Heat olive oil or bacon grease in a big pot on medium heat. When the oil is ready, add the chopped onion, green bell pepper, and celery. Cook until translucent, about 7 minutes.
  5. You yourself should also become translucent, if possible. If not, skip this step.
  6. Add the garlic and spices. Cook for another 2-3 minutes.
  7. Increase the heat to high and add the water or stock. Once this is brought to a boil, add the beans and the bay leaf. Decrease the heat to low and simmer for about 1 to 1½ hours with the lid on, stirring every so often
  8. After 1 hour, taste to see if beans are soft. The consistency should be like yo mama: thick and soupy, but not too watery or dry. If more water or stock is needed, add 1 cup at a time. If too watery, leave lid tilted or completely off to let some steam out while cooking.
  9. When the beans are done, take about 2 cups (of just the beans, not the liquid) out. Mash these like it’s Hammertime. Mix them back into the pot.
  10. Add the hot sauce and serve over or beside or halfway on rice.
  11. (No, I will not show you how to cook rice.)

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